In the beginning, it is a dark age. Donald Trump has not yet been born.

A medieval time. The wheel is invented. We are not sure when exactly this is, but we know it is before the invention of the wall. (“They say ‘a wall is medieval.’ Well, so is a wheel. A wheel is older than a wall.”) Wheels are ubiquitous, but walls do not exist yet, although if they existed, they would work. Everyone is rolling around in chaos, continually interrupting one another in the middle of private activities, sometimes bearing them ineluctably along for several yards before managing to come to a halt.

Afterward, medievally, the wall is invented. Donald Trump approves. “Nothing like a wall.”

1758. These walls work for a long time, until some events occur that will eventually lead to a man (a fool whose name history has not retained) naming his house Mount Vernon. All we know about this man is that “if he was smart, he would’ve put his name on it. You’ve got to put your name on stuff or no one remembers you.” Whoever he was, this man was not smart.
1789. Unrelatedly, the first president of the United States is George Washington. The only historical certainty is if he ran now, “the Democrats would vote against him” because he “may have had a couple of things in his past.” Also, he appoints 100 percent of the judges, which maybe Donald Trump will someday top! But maybe not. It is hard to top this.
1819-ish. Something Very Big happens in Japan, on the details of which Donald Trump has not been forthcoming, only stating in 2019 that a “very big thing,” “very big event,” “something that has not happened in over 200 years” is happening.
1828. A “great general” named Andrew Jackson becomes president in the election most similar to Donald Trump’s! What we know about this year is that 1828 is “a long way, that’s a long time ago.” Furthermore: “Andrew Jackson . . . was a great president — but a controversial president.”

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