It’s a stickup! Don’t move! We are serious! There is a reason we are holding up this bank, and it’s because — well, the point is, we can agree, things are out of control with the money! So — please take the action that we demand, an action we have definitely thought about, or else! Kablammo!
We have some demands, now! Absolutely! They are the reason we got into this, and we are super ready with them! They are coming … now! Okay … now! Hang on, sorry.
Obviously, the reason we are here on the brink is because we have a specific thing that we want to achieve! We did not go into this and say, “What we are certain about is that we want to hold up a bank, and we will figure out the rest of the plan after we get there!” We went into this saying, “We are principled individuals, with clear, realistic goals and we will stop at nothing to attain those goals!” We are not quickly Googling what goals are; we have them ready to go. Right now! Yes, they are coming! Here they are!
We are only barely the tiniest bit still hammering out some details of what the demands are, but we know that we’re going to blow this whole place if they aren’t met! That’s how demands work: You hold everyone hostage while you figure them out! That’s the order things work best in!
You know how it goes. When people protest, they first decide, “Today is a good day to take to the streets.” They gather their blank signs, they go stand in the midst of traffic, and then they figure out what it is they’re there to protest. Ditto when a union goes on strike. First, they decide, “We feel like stopping work!” Then, and only then, do they figure out why.
Likewise, when the House speaker refuses to raise the debt ceiling unless his demands are met, he figures that first thing out first, then the second thing. It’s time-honored.
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We absolutely must bring everything reeling to the brink! I always think best when I run up against a deadline! Let’s bring that spicy energy to bear on more problems! Panic is good for everything, but especially the economy!
Okay, what must be cut or we tear the whole place down? Entitlements? No! Well — military spending? Look, we can figure it all out later! The point is, we are serious! This is the process of serious people! Nothing says “We are serious about our demands” like “Kevin is rushing to determine what our demands are, and he is almost done!”
Now, hush! You are distracting me when I am trying to think of my demands! Everybody needs to let me focus!