Advisory Alert

Advisory Alert ! This report is Absolutely True ! 

By xrepublican, a Trail Mix Contributor
As Your Alert Team was looking through the junk emails (mostly ads related to home loans, cures for baldness, fatness, and hearing loss, credit cards, tax services, roofing, banking services, toenail fungus and prostate trouble, sporting goods, erector pills & foods, sure fire investments, walk-in bathtubs, mega PigUp trucks, retirement communities, and driveway black topping) we found one intriguing piece, which we opened. It scared the hell out of us, and it should scare the hell out of you!

This email warned us that wiping while on the toilet leads to DEATH.

Actual email. Actual wording. After a half hour of unstructured levity, we began to pour no small amount of thought into the matter. We have now come to the opinion that everyone we have ever known, who has died, probably did wipe, while on the commode, prior to dying.

Act accordingly.

Your Alert Team 

OK, Here’s The Deal

By xrepublican, a Trail Mix Contributor

As they say in the movies, here’s the deal: The rippers cut $1.3 TR!LL!ON out of the budget for health care coverage. This money is s’posed to fund the $1.5 TR!LL!ION of tax cuts for the rip-up’s B!LL!ONA!RE donor$.

Howz’about instead we divvy up the tax break equally between everyone in America? I figure that will be a payoff of about $4,500 per person, or $18,000 for the fictitious family of 4. That money could help a lot of people with their medical insurance payments, and it could help many of our ailing retailors, which means JOB$ ! JOB$ ! JOB$ ! 

Now, there’s something to contact your congress(wo)man or rat about.

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da Swamp

by XRepublican, a Trail Mix Contributor

It’s obvious that the trumpoviches believe that the Civil Service Act created the swamp. He intends to replace it with a spoils system.

The rest of us think that the swamp was the sea of lobbyists that cover DC to an average depth of approximately 5′ 10″. This and the pool of retired generals now comprise all the candidates to fill federal offices.

This Administration is at war with President Chester Allen Arthur, a man on the make who became clean once again.

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Free Murder

By Xrepublican, a Trail Mix Contributor

Successful criminal defense all depends on how the authorities construct strictly the cases that would inevitably follow passage of the Florida Prosecution-Free Murder Bill. We also know that Strict Construction and Legislative Intent are living ideologies that mutate over time to fit the needs of each new day, and each new and innovative channeling of the minds of legislators and Founding Fathers. Heraclitus would advise you that you never think the exact same thought twice, for thoughts are always coming upon you, and they and circumstances flow and swirl. For example, you’ll never be able to understand why you took up smoking, a lethal exercise that over decades cost you a fortune and ruined your taste buds, arteries, esophagus, heart, and lungs. So it is with Original Intent.

Now, the immediate question is, can a white male successfully defend himself in court on the ‘Stand Your Ground’ plea if he only pistol-whips his victim to death, or must he actually kill by shooting a bullet into his opponent? Can a white man carry a bazooka, or drive a tank down the street, by the Right of Open Carry ? Must enforcement authorities determine that landmines placed under the front lawn are to be construed as legally concealed weapons, to which the owner is entitled? Finally, does a white male defendant at the end of a 1st degree murder case have the right to shoot the judge, because he fears that judge will apply the death penalty?


Well beyond the immediate, someday the armaments companies may decide that they are neglecting a potentially lucrative market – the non-white population. Then, armalite, colt, smith and wesson, sig sauer, glock, and other companies might send waves of heart-wrenching amicus briefs to criminal courts, whose judges are up for re-election, in support of non-white defendants who used firearms to wound or kill people. Judges of that future day might be swayed by newer and more innovative strict constructions of the original legislative intentions. Therefore, it is conceivable, albeit barely, that someday even the blackest of black men might have the right to murder with impunity, using charged weapons such as firearms, landmines, grenades, bombs, etc.

Now, regarding sarin . . . .
Yours in Jonathan Swift,
Xrepublican

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Situational Politics

By XRepublican, a Trail Mix Contributor

In 1980 I ran into a fellow, I’ll call him Bob. I’d worked with him a dozen years earlier. In the old days he couldn’t support Rockefeller because Rocky was divorced. I asked Bob who he was supporting this time around, and he answered, “Reagan’s my choice.” I reminded him why he wouldn’t support Rocky in ’68, and he nodded gravely. It was a matter of morality, the 1980 version, Bob assured me.

“Then how can you support Reagan,” I asked, “he’s been divorced.” Bob’s jaw dropped. After a bit he said, “Well, you haven’t changed. Still causing trouble.”

The moral of the story is that morality is only a barrier for the political popularity of ‘liberals.’

‘Conservatives’ are immune from the stain of immoral conduct.

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